


What I want

by The_Hawk_Eye



Category: Mindhunter (TV 2017)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bill needs a hug, Decisions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2019-09-21
Packaged: 2020-10-25 11:11:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20723264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Hawk_Eye/pseuds/The_Hawk_Eye
Summary: "She's left." Bill says breathlessly when Holden arrives in his car. He knows he shouldn't have called the man but, right now, he is the only person he wants to see and talk to. He will regret it later but at the moment, he is the only person..."What happened?" Holden's voice sounds worried and that makes Bill tremble.





	What I want

**Author's Note:**

> I love this show, it has everything I like and deals with serial killers in a fascinating way... I hope we have a third season! (in less than two years please). I like Holden and Bill dynamic. During the first season I was fascinated by Holden and didn't pay much attention to other characters, but this season in better in that aspect (I even pay attention to Gregg). And now I'm in love with Bill (I hope I can have more of him with Wendy).
> 
> At the end of the season I wanted more of Bill and I started to think about his relationship with Holden and his family and... I started to ship them and this was created.
> 
> English is not my first language so I'm sorry for the mistakes you will find.

"She's left." Bill says breathlessly when Holden arrives in his car. He knows he shouldn't have called the man but, right now, he is the only person he wants to see and talk to. He will regret it later but at the moment, he is the only person...

"What happened?" Holden's voice sounds worried and that makes Bill tremble.

"She left me. She took her things and just left." He answers. It is not what Holden is really asking about but Bill doesn't want to be more specific, no yet.

"But why?" Only someone like Holden could make a question like that after knowing what his son did. He is too innocent, too stupid for the world they live in.

"I didn't listen to her." She did what she wanted to do, what she had been telling him to do. Bill can't blame her for that. Bill can't be mad at her, like really mad. "She wanted to move, to leave this place behind and I didn't listen." Bill still thinks he is right but now it is too late to help Nancy understand why. They should have talked more. Bill should have spent more time at home with her and the kid, but he didn't.

He couldn't. He has been agonizing for months. He knows Nancy has been suffering her part too but that doesn't change the fact he has been trying too. And people tend to forget that. "And now they're gone." Bill wanted to talk with Nancy now that the case was closed. It was late but he didn't think it was too late. Bill lights a cigarette and takes a big drag. He needs to think.

"We have to find her." Holden says next to him.

"She will call." He replies. Bill knows Nancy, this is a punishment for him. She won't call for some days and then she will call the office to have a meeting. However, Holden doesn't look like he believes that. "She knows I work at the FBI, she knows I will find her." He explains.

"She left you, Bill."

"I know my wife and she will call." Bill knows Nancy since forever. He knows the way she feels and thinks. Nancy will call.

"How can you be so sure?" Holden insists. It feels nice, watching him so worried. Bill takes another puff. "We need to find her..." The man wants to help but Bill doesn't need this type of help right now.

"Stop it." He cuts him. He doesn't sound harsh or mad, he is too tired for that. Holden must notice it because he shuts his mouth immediately. "I don't want solutions right now."

"What do you need then?" He asks after a long and deep sigh. Bill gives him a sad smile.

"What I need is a good amount of alcohol."

Bill wants to get drunk and forget for one second his shitty life. He doesn't want to think about Nancy or his beautiful son. He doesn't want that. Just for one night, he wants to forget. At the bar, Holden goes for drinks and Bill drinks his in one long sip the moment Holden gives him his whisky. Then he stands and comes back two minutes later with a bottle.

"I don't think this is a good idea."

"It's a good thing that I didn't ask for your opinion then." Bill says back before pouring the whisky in his glass.

Bill needs one night off. He just wants a night without having to worry about his family or a criminal or his fucking job.

But of course, the alcohol doesn't work like that. Bill is not sure about when he started talking but now, he can't stop.

"I love my family. I love my wife and I love my son. Sometimes, I think Nancy doesn't believe me when I say that I love him, but I do." He says looking at Holden. "I love my family." Bill loves his wife and son. "It's difficult for me to show my feelings but I do." Holden is about to say something but for some strange force he restrains himself. "I know my son is not what people like to call normal but he's not doomed." Holden understands better his partner, the odd silences when people were claiming that killers are born that way and there is nothing that can be done to avoid their true nature. "My son didn't do anything and I know he's in pain for what happened." He keeps talking. "He is a good kid. He is..." Bill stops for some seconds to pour himself another drink. "I know how I sound but it's true." It has to be true.

"Of course, it's true." Holden reassures him. Bill get lost in his blue eyes. He is weird but Bill would give his life for that man who never knows when to shut his mouth or how human emotions work in certain moments.

"She will call and we will make things work." Bill needs to help his son. He really wants to help his son. "She can't take my son away from me. I don't care where we live now but she can't take Brian away from me." Bill needs to help Brian to be happy and normal, even when he is not sure about what normal means anymore.

"Everything will be fine." Holden says after a long silence again. Bill nods and keeps drinking. "Are you sure you should be drinking this much?" Bill doesn't answer the question, he just stares at Holden while finishing another whisky.

Some hours later, Holden is carrying to his house. He can walk straight but he is lucid enough to have an almost coherent conversation. Bill knows what he wants and for some reason, today he wants to share those needs. Nancy would kill him for that, the poor woman has been trying to make him open up for a year with no positive result.

"My marriage is broken." He says suddenly.

"Don't say that."

"I don't really care anymore... Do you remember that night...? When you came for dinner with your girlfriend..."

"Of course, I remember."

"We had problems back then... And I wanted to fix our relationship, but not anymore. Not anymore." He mumbles breathless. He is tired and now everything is different. "I just want to help them."

"I'm sure you'll be able to fix..."

"You're not listening... I don't want to."

"Just some minutes ago at the bar, you were saying you love your wife."

"Of course, I love my wife." Holden is confused and Bill can see his head almost exploding. "How could I not love her? We've been together since always." Holden is not getting it.

Bill is not good when he has to express his feelings. That is his biggest flaw. He doesn't want to be explaining how he feels if he is fine or not. However, this time he is going to make an exception. He will blame the alcohol later. "What I'm saying... I'm not in love with Nancy anymore. Of course, I want to protect her and take care of her... I love her... but every time I think about touching her... about kissing her and..." He can't finish the sentence. "It is tedious."

"Tedious?"

"Making love to your wife shouldn't feel like it's your duty, it should feel like coming home." He adds. And Holden looks like he is starting to understand something. Bill can see the question forming in his head but Bill cuts it before he has the chance to make it. "Don't feel sorry."

"I haven't said anything." Holden replies but his blue eyes are too telling much of the time. Bill smiles. “I was going to ask what do you mean with coming home.” It is a lie but Bill is not going to dwell on that.

“Nancy was my home.” The alcohol is making him chatty but this is the first time he can talk about these things and Bill has just realized that he needs to vent a little bit. “My house was my home because she was there, but at some point… any hotel felt more like home that going back to my wife.” This is not the right time for anything and he is well aware of that. His wife has just left with his son; a boy with problems that Bill doesn't understand no matter how much he wants to. He is alone and drunk, and the only person with him, the only person who will want to help him, it is the person who is causing wrong feelings to grow inside his chest.

This is not the right time, but maybe there will never be a better time than this. Therefore, Bill decides to just jump, jump into the dark. He is stronger than Holden even after too many drinks; he can take a little advantage and let Holden decide what to do next. Without a word, Bill grabs Holden and push him against his body. He looks down while Holden looks up, and that is when he goes for it. Their lips meet, it is a simple brush but that is enough. Holden pushes him and Bill keeps his eyes on Holden who looks confused at him. He doesn't try to clean his mouth or anything, he just looks confused at him. Bill notices his chest moving fast.

"Shit..." He breathes. He has forgotten about his panic attacks problem. He doesn't want to be the cause of one of those. Bill has talked with Wendy about this and he more or less knows what he has to do. Bill gives him space and pays attention to his breathing and eyes. "Are you ok?" The question is innocent but no for Holden.

"What the fuck...?" He articulates after a minute. "Are you serious right now?" For some reason, Holden feels indignant. "Are you fine?" Bill shrugs and takes a cigarette. This is it. Bill sits on the ground and takes a long drag. He should have done it inside his house because now he is sure he will have to go out again and take a cab. "Are you fine?" Holden asks again.

Bill doesn't look at him and keeps smoking. This is not how he pictured this. He was sure Holden was going to react differently, in a more histrionic way. But not asking him over and over if he was fine. Holden kneels next to him and keeps asking him the same. Bill decides to look at him for one second and keeps smoking. This was a mistake.

However, Holden doesn't seem disgusted or even displeased. He is really worried about him and is touching his shoulder clumsily as a weird way to cheer him or comfort him. It is nice, but doesn't change the fact that this is a mistake.

"I'm going home." He says after a long silence.

"You can stay in my..."

"Don't." Bill cuts him. "I don't need fake courtesy."

"What are you saying?" Bill tries to get up but at the end, Holden has to help him. "I don't really care."

"Of course, you care." Bill replies. A normal person would care if a co-worker tried to kiss him; if a man tried to kiss him. Bill blames alcohol, fatigue, loneliness... Bill blames his life for what he did. What was he thinking? He knows perfectly what he was thinking when did what he did. He has wanted that for a long time now, he has wanted to taste Holden for a long time. He has wanted to touch him and feel him... He has wanted the man even though he knew it was wrong. "I need..."

"Tell me what you need Bill." Holden says with his eyes fixed on Bill. His blue gaze is intense and Bill's body trembles. He has to go; these eyes are killing him.

"Home..."

"My sofa is just some steps away, I'm sure you will be fine." It is obviously clear for Bill that Holden doesn't understand what is happening between them.

"I need to go home."

"You just said that place is not your home anymore." Bill wants to accept the invitation but he can't. This is wrong.

In the end, he goes with Holden who gives him a glass of water. Bill keeps smoking and for one second he thinks Holden is going to complain but he doesn't do it. He needs to breathe. His hands are shaking. He is lost, completely lost.

"I need a drink."

"I think you had too many."

"No... You asked me what I needed and I'm telling you. I need a drink." Holden wants to say no but he doesn't dare. He sighs and brings two drinks for them. "Thanks."

"What is happening Bill?"

"You know what is happening."

"You haven't told me everything."

Bill closes his eyes and breathes. He can't say anything. He can't tell Holden everything.

"Forget about tonight." He asks.

"I can't." His voice is warm and soft, but Bill knows it well. There is something else that he is not saying with words but Bill understands. Holden is going to talk about this night. Holden wants to understand what has happened. It doesn't matter that Bill will want to forget. “I can’t.” Holden will insist.

"I need to sleep." Bill asks and Holden nods. Tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, Nancy will call. She needs him. She needs him to keep Brian. They need each other to take care of the boy. And when she calls, he will go back to talk. They will fix things, he doesn't need a miracle, just a place to be to help his son. They don't have to be a perfect family; they just need to love each other and fight to keep going. Bill can survive without satisfying his desire for Holden. Bill can live...

Holden prepares everything for him before he leaves. It is weird, having someone taking care of him, it feels nice. It has been a long time since anyone did something genuinely nice for him and it feels nice. He falls asleep sooner than he should have. Bill has a restless dream that night. When he opens his eyes, he is tired and his head hurts. He is not twenty years old anymore and yesterday he had too much.

Bill doesn't recognize the sofa immediately but after two seconds he knows where he is. He doesn't move yet. He gives himself some minutes. He needs time to be able to face Holden. Nevertheless, he doesn't have that time because Holden is making coffee and ready to talk.

"I don't want to talk." He says sitting on the sofa.

"Good morning to you too." The man gives him a cup of coffee and Bill gives it a short sip. He doesn't want to talk about last night. He didn't have time to prepare anything for this moment. "I've been thinking about last night." He continues and ignores his face. "You were chatty." Bill rolls his eyes. He feels like one of those people they interview. "Alcohol makes you approachable." He continues and decides to ignore Bill's grunt. "You..." he doubts about what to say exactly. "You said a lot of things."

"I don't want to talk about..."

"And did others." Holden keeps talking. He is going to talk about the kiss, or at least he is going to try as hard as possible.

"I just told you I don't want to talk."

"I honestly think we need to talk." Holden insists.

"But I don't want to." Bill wants to cut this, to leave the house but he can't move. His hands are shaking lightly and he grabs harder the cup. He is not ready for this. "Forget about last night." He wants to sound harsh but his voice cracks and it sounds more like a plea. "It's better if we forget." Bill decides to look at Holden who is staring at him. His blue gaze it too much for Bill who has to look away.

"It's fine." Holden says and goes to him. He doesn't sit next to him or anything, he stops in front of him. Bill can see his legs.

"Don't stand..." He doesn't have to finish the sentence because Holden moves some steps to grab a chair and sit in front of him respecting some distance.

"I think it will be good for us to talk..."

"I already told you to forget about last night." Bill drinks a bit of his coffee. He can't find the right words to end this conversation.

"I've been thinking about last night. About what you said and did; what all that could mean." Bill snorts but that doesn't make Holden stop. He knows what he wants to say.

"I'm going to say this just one more time, forget about last night." His voice is steady this time and Bill looks directly at Holden without blinking.

"But I don't want to forget." He says back and leans forward. "I don't."

Their eyes meet and Bill knows he is doomed. He is completely lost in that moment. He can't run from him, from what happened. Bill knows what this can mean and he doesn't like it even though there is a big chance that he can have what he wants. This is not how things should happen. Holden should have been displeased or... or he should have thought Bill was under a lot of stress and didn't know what he was doing, or any shit like that. But not this.

Not this.

Bill can't move. Bill is frozen and confused. They are about to cross a line; he can feel it.

"You told me about your marriage, about your feelings towards Nancy and then you k..."

"Don't say it."

"It's fine." Bill wants to deny that. He should be able to say that nothing is fine right now, but he can't. He can't. He doesn't want to. Bill wants to the possibility of what can happen if Holden keeps talking. "It's fine." Holden repeats and dares to put his hand over Bill's arm. He is testing the limits. At that moment, Bill wants to tell him that there are no limits, but he remains in silence. Expecting.

What was he thinking last night? Why did he think...? He never wanted to do anything towards those feelings. He was content with what he had; with his marriage, family, work... Bill was content with all the things he had and the things he would never have. Bill was content so why did he try to kiss Holden? Bill was content yearning and craving after Holden. He was content. This is going to change everything around. If Holden does what Bill desires, he will never be able to go back to the life he is supposed to want.

None of them moves for several seconds. Holden is considering his next move, he is not good at these things, Bill can feel the wanting and hesitation. Holden wants to jump, but he doesn't know exactly how to do it. Holden is too immature in this specific matter. He needs a push and Bill is not sure about what he should do.

Is this what he wants?

Yes and no.

Bill desires to touch Holden's skin. He wants to kiss him and feel his lips against his. Bill wants to see him naked and hear his moans. He wants to lose control with Holden and forget about the world, and about what is right and wrong. He wants to explore his deviant desire for a co-worker and fuck him. But if Bill does that, how could he return to Nancy? How could he go back to his son? If Bill does what he wants he can lose his family, the same family who has left him behind. The same family he has been incapable of taking care of.

Bill blinks and notices Holden breaths against his mouth. He is closing the distance between them. Holden has moved his hand and now it is resting on his shoulder. He is ready for whatever Bill does. This is going to be his only chance. Bill licks his lips and with a fast movement, one of his hand is grabbing his neck to push him.

Their lips meet. There is no alcohol to blame and Bill will have to face the consequences of his actions when this is over, but he doesn't care. This moment, this kiss is the only thing that makes sense in his life. This is the only thing he wants. Holden's lips taste like coffee and mint, and Bill loves it. Holden kiss is exactly how he pictured so many nights during their stakeouts watching the man sleep next to him. Holden is hesitant at the beginning like he doesn't know exactly what he is doing and little by little he is more confident. Bill can sense the energy changing in that kiss.

Bill leaves the cup quickly on the table and part of the drink ends all over his hand but he doesn't care. He pushes Holden against his body and makes him sit astride over him. His back leans over the sofa and Bill makes sure Holden is secure in his arms. With his feet pulls the table to have more space. His hands travel around Holden’s back and end inside his t-shirt.

Holden doesn't talk or makes a stupid question about regret or what they are doing which helps Bill to continue. This won't be the last time for them, Bill is sure of that but doesn't say anything. Certain words should never leave his mouth. No promises can be broken this way. Bill doesn't talk about his feelings and Holden does the same. It is a relief. Bill smiles. This is not where he belongs, but it is where he wants to be. Bill doesn't belong to any place or person completely. All this fucking year, he has been divided and has been torn apart between his family, his job and his feelings for the wrong person. And Bill has survived. He knows he can survive to anything, and now he has Holden.

Bill takes off his t-shirt and start kissing his chest and enjoy Holden's soft moans. He will have time to fix things with his family. He will have time to keep working and take care of his son. He will have time... Bill will have the time to find new stability in his life. And he hopes Holden is part of it. Life doesn’t have to be perfect for Bill. His life is not going to be perfect but he will fight to make all of this work.

**Author's Note:**

> This is all. I hope you liked it. Comments and kudos are welcomed!


End file.
